It can be difficult to be in a relationship if you don’t have a great deal of self-love. Often the insecurities will lead to conflict, and sometimes the conflict will lead to a breakup.
A common piece of advice is that you have to learn to love yourself before you even get into a relationship.
But what if you are already with someone? Does it mean you have to part in order to do the work on yourself before finding love again? Do you have to meet some arbitrary self-love prerequisite before you qualify for a relationship?
Of course it helps to be entering a relationship with a strong feeling of self-love. But I also think that if you are in a partnership where self-love is lacking, and the space between you is needy, irritating, and toxic things can be turned around.
Learning self-love is an ongoing process. It’s not a switch you can just flick on. Even couples who have a healthy amount of self-love could have more.
It’s unhealthy to allow the relationship to absorb your identity and to lose yourself as a person. Keep your own rituals, your own activities, and your own friends. Spend a healthy time apart doing your own thing to nurture your soul.
Your partner can’t make you happy. Only you can do that. He or she can enhance the happiness that you nurture in yourself, but it is not their responsibility to make you happy. If you rely on them for happiness you will drain the space between you. Make sure you take the responsibility yourself.
This isn’t an easy thing to do and is a habit that you need to develop over time. It starts with adopting a mindset that happiness is a choice, meaning you give yourself the power to cultivate happiness for yourself. It’s difficult and it’s hard work, but it’s liberating because you refuse to allow your happiness to be dictated by your circumstances or by other people. Choosing happiness means accepting the truism that the only person you can change is you. Instead of looking to change others, you work on yourself and make sure you meet your own needs.
Another way to take responsibility for your own happiness is to choose to be present. If you wait for the perfect conditions before you allow yourself to be happy, then you will always be waiting.
Instead of saying, “I’ll be happy when…” you choose happiness now. You quiet thoughts of the past or the future and decide to be happy in the moment.
Doing the little things that make you happy helps with this. Embrace the small daily moments you have to nurture yourself, like sitting down with a cup of tea or taking ten minutes to meditate. This can help quiet your mind, allowing you be present and to find a moment of joy in your day.
Working through your baggage from the past can also help you feel lighter and more present and makes it easier to choose happiness. Yet working through past pain is an ongoing process, and while it’s good to do it, it doesn’t have to hold you back from choosing happiness.
It doesn’t have to be, “I’ll be happy once I overcome my baggage.” You can be happy right now.
Insecure people struggle to see anything good in themselves and are often dismissive of the positive things their partner sees.
Ask you partner what they see in you and what it is about you that they love. This is a great date night exercise for couples. Write a list of twenty things you love about each other and take turns reading them out.
If you do this regularly you will slowly take it onboard and internalize it and start to believe it about yourself.
My highs aren’t that high but my lows aren’t that low. Instead of seeing this as me being boring and something to be critical of, I now see it as a sign of strength and something valuable that I bring to the relationship.
In a relationship you aren’t just learning about the other person, you are also learning about yourself.
Holding a grudge against yourself gets in the way of self-love. It’s inevitable in a relationship that there will be times you say or do things that you regret. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
Wise minds have always maintained that love is something you choose to do, not an emotion that you feel. This is often said about loving another but the same is true about loving yourself.
Even if you don’t feel like you love yourself, choose to act in a self-loving way. Make time to nurture yourself and fulfill your own needs.
The best way to do this is to schedule “me time” every day. This is a period where you put yourself first over any other commitments or other people. Do simple activities that you enjoy. For me it’s going to the gym, reading the news, and eating a quiet breakfast. Some like to meditate, do yoga, or read.—
It’s all about creating a little self-love ritual. One session might not make a big difference, but if you can make it a regular daily habit then the cumulative benefits will add up.
The morning is the best time to schedule this, as there are no other distractions. Every day for the last year I have woken up an hour earlier than normal so that I have my daily self-love time. You may prefer to do it in the evening as a wind down before bed, but either way, make it a priority.
Ultimately, the choice of being happy is yours and once you have chosen ‘to be’ happy, you will start to lean onto things and people who make you happy! Now, is the time to make Happiness as a habit from within as people and things may change but your happiness from within is yours to keep!
Rituals of self-care and self-love and doing just about anything that keeps you in a happy space becomes your Mantra and when that Mantra becomes a norm; you become happily unstoppable with an undeniable reconnection within yourself.
Olga Valdepena , a resident of California , United States , has recently ventured into the realm of Relationship Coaching. A mother of three and grandmother of three, she is an adventurous spirit lady who loves to spend time with God?s creations. She is passionate about hiking , traveling , photography and yoga. Olga Valdepena is passionate about helping other women in toxic relationships. She is the founder of her firm Coach Olga, in which she listens to women in help them heal using a spiritual approach and with a philosophy of #ReflectSmile&Shine.
Experienced as a Registered Dental Assistant (RDA), she also advises people to take special care of their teeth as these are irreplicable parts of the human. Her Motto is: Live, Love, Forgive and Never Give-up.